9 months before august 22, 1992-april 8, 1997

i grew up normal i guess... ok well maybe not normal. i was born august 22, 1992. st lukes hospital in boise idaho. my mom and dad worked for the carnival. my dad was a truck driver, he hauled the equipment and various other things from state to state and ran booths while they were all set up. my mom made the delicious treats that everyone loves and looks forward to that you can only get at the carnival. i think its safe to say that my first solid foods were corn dogs and cotton candy. my mom grew up in idaho and left to work and travel with the carnival when she was 19. she met my dad (funny story too if you ever get the opportunity to hear it) and i guess they hit it off cuz they did the dirty...you know that thing that couples do...(ugh its my parents and id rather not think about it but i said i'd tell it all...and thats part of it) and well they accidentally made a baby. me. my mom was 22 and my dad was 27. when my mom got closer to her due date she came back to idaho and stayed with her mom, my grammie, and after 9 months after the retched parental frolic in the sheets, i was born. i was pretty cute...chubby as all getup but, when youre a baby, you can get away with rolls. shortly after i was born my mom and i went back to traveling and i was partially aparented by my parents bosses and toted around like a baby doll by their daughter. my first memory, though vauge and somewhat blurry, involves flassing lights and bright colors...i guess you could say i was a "carnie baby". ha. thats funny. when i was almost 2, my brother clinton was born. he was born in cottonwood arizona. apparently i thought he was the coolest thing since sliced bread. affter a little bit, having two kids ont he carnival and constantly traveling and living out of a trailer got to be a little bit difficult so we moved back to idaho. we moved into some apartments in meridian call "hope's arms" or some shit like that. mom got to know our neighbors a few doors down real well and i got to be friends with their daughter. she convonced my mom to start going to church with her (my dad was still driving truck, not for the carnival tho, but he was driving long haul so he was never home). after going to church for awhile, my mom got saved. my dad had gotten saved a year or so befor that while listening to an evangelist on the radio... anyways, they both bacame christians and felt that them having, now, 3 children, cuz my sister, patricia, was born in 1996, was immoral and a "sin". so they got married on april 8th. ive seen pictures and seen home videos of it and i guess it was cool. ok so right now i think im up to like 97...? i think thats when they got married...ya it is. i remember.

01APR11

scarred arms. tired eyes. anti-depressants. mood stabilizers. sleeping medication. anti-nightmare medication. major depressive disorder. borderline personality disorder. post traumatic stress disorder.sexual assault. 9 suicide attempts. and im only 18. this is my story and how i got here. it's not all a sad story... just mostly. i have never told anyone the whole and complete story...not even the doctors at the psyche ward...but this is gonna be it. all of it. no detail left out, no matter how gruesome and horrendous it may be. the world will hear what happened to me and how i have become who i am...... even if it kills me.